It’s a curse to remember too much about the bad things that happened to you, and it’s a curse to forget about all the things that once made you happy. The last time I hugged you, I remember you were taking out your luggage and I remember how my makeup ran all over my face. And you looked angry, and I asked you if you could hug me and you hugged me, and I felt like I died. I felt like a huge part of my soul left my body to be with you. And you went away, and I stood by the door for an hour and I imagined if I could do things all differently, and I realise that I could have saved you from that heartbreak and I could have saved me from dying too soon. So, I just stand by the door waiting for you to come back, and you don’t. So, I go to the washroom and cry as loud as I can and I couldn’t hear you. I sit down in that bath tub and I call my mother and she seems happy, so I say nothing and I hang up the phone and for days, I stay on my bed calling out your name but you were miles away. I felt so helpless. And I ask myself if it was worth it, you know, if everything that I did was worth losing you and it wasn’t. I knew always that it wasn’t. And yet, I did everything wrong. I sit there and look at our pictures and a month has passed, and I wonder if you are finally happy. And I know that you will be happier without me. But I still call you, and you pick up and I tell you that I miss you and you say nothing. So, I end the call and go home. And I wander lonely for days, like a cloud. And all I can remember is how much I loved you, and how much I hurt you. I don’t remember you smiling, and I don’t remember you looking happy and content with me. I just sit down and sleep on my Mother’s lap and I hate every single second that has passed without you being on my side. You were everything, I wish I could tell you. And I imagine about all the parallel universes where you are with me, and we are happy and I loathe everyday of this universe where you don’t end up with me, but anyway I wish you get a happy ending.
So, I text you best wishes and you tell me that you are happy and I sleep, and for the first time in a long long time I sleep peacefully.