Rawness

10.9.19
Hi dad. Hi Brother. I’m sorry i’ve been so lost for so long. Dad, Jamie probably caught you up but Mom took us on a life changing trip down the garbage disposal of life shortly after you passed. We were too young too know or process at the time…but just old enough for Mom to need me to devote all my time and efforts to attempt to recoup what I could of her vulnerable naive choices with your well thought out plans. During that time some other shitty stuff happened. jamie might’ve caught you up. Cancer, cheating, lies. not what you’d hoped for daddy. or me. I need you still.
Help me find the joy again you guys. I’m really starting to feel so lost in this world at every angle. where is the peace, the love the calm, the joy, the stimulation. Was it ever there? Was it an illusion? I feel like I had it with you two. Is this what Angst feels like? Wanting for not?

Then there was the Jesse’s and the Andy’s and how do you change the trauma and the choice already made when they are Rowan’s Dad. After what he did…we tie ourselves to the rotting planks of the sinking ships, we are loyal to a fault. and kind, loving and apparently enigmas. Introverted sensitive enigmas that don’t value small talk and shiny toy ball shallow societal goals that today’s narcissist worships and praises.

Where do we go now. I guess where do I go now. You guys are waiting for me in the afterlife. Let me feel your energy. Guide me. I need strength. Need help. Need wisdom. Need love.
Why are humans so selfish, unkind? there is so much greed, pain, shallow ego driving harm. Love-hurt, not love-heal, I am turning more and more inward. I can FEEL it. I am not sure if that is bad anymore. I feel like the world is rejecting genuine agenda-free souls filled with peace and curiosity who want NOTHING more out of life than to feel loved and safe.

With that platform supported I cannot begin to imagine the good that soul could do.

Until then she huddles up in a pile of depression confusion and heavy heavy burdens. trying to smile for her baby son. And maybe get to 40 I guess.

I hope it doesn’t take terminal cancer diagnosis for me to smile. if it does just know I’m not fighting it like you guys did. I’m at peace to see you. I miss you both so much I feel empty. Mom and I are great, it’s just so different. We are friends, classmates. I am happy to have her unconditional love- it is amazing. Steve diminishes her focus though-typical. glad she’s happy but wish she prioritized the grandkids more, or me. I know she does me so really the kids.
I need a new career, I am unfulfilled everywhere. Drinking wine to ease the anxiety of an unsatisfying life.
What is the first step? I don’t even care I’d rather it be an emergency I guess. The absence of choice.
I’m so lost.

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