Hey why bad memories haunts us why
Night after night I keep trying to find my home,
In people, conversations & shared silences.
I think about unwanted memories
Night after night I keep falling back in the arms of anxiety,
With a racing mind my crown and restless thoughts its jewels.
There’s this void in me that I keep trying to fill.
There’s this void in me that keeps calling my name; calling me against my will.
I try not to look at it or hear it chant my name,
But it stretches its arms and pulls me towards it
I try to reason with it, I try to run away from it,
Hell! I even try to bribe it with cheerful thoughts & happy memories.
I keep pleading to let me go but it doesn’t care.
Ultimately it wins, getting hold of me & thrusting me into its deepest darkest dungeons,
With nowhere to go, caging me in complete darkness,
For it knows that darkness isn’t a friend of mine; the torture hence intensifies.
I lie there motionless, scared and numb.
I cry for help, shout my lungs out, but no one hears it.
I don’t hear it.
My soul screams to break this cage built by my thoughts, but my body doesn’t respond.
This war between the two goes on for hours sometimes.
There is no victor to this war
And all that remains is my body, the sole witness of it all; still numb & motionless.
The battle marks; invisible.
For I have stopped to express this helplessness physically.
My mind tries to reason it all
My soul tries to sail through it all
They try to explain to me how all this ain’t my fault
But this ritual goes on night after night
Where there’s no proof, no battle scars
But the wounds keep bleeding and the battle marks, increasing
This is where I found my home
This is what I now call my home; an endless tunnel of darkness where I keep free falling.